A Normal Day in Arlen
by Wy Wynaut
Summary: Strange things are happening in Arlen, what with all of the deaths and the discovering of Hank's many other sons. Yet everything just seems normal to them.
1. Chapter I: Sir, I Will Sacrifice You

One day, Hank Hill was watching the news and it announced that president Obama banned the word "fish".

"Obama you evil bastard," Hank said. He then walked outside to see the guys in the alley.

"Hi guys, zyaiz."

"Hey Hank, knyaynk," Bill said.

"Hey Hank, we're planning a f***ing trip, wanna come?" Dale asked.

"Nah fellas, I promised I'd take Bobbeh f***in, just the two of us, sus," Hank replied.

After a few minutes, Bill's cousin Gilbert parked his car in front of the alley and got out.

"Hey aren't you Bill's cousin?" Dale asked.

"Gilbert, it's good to see ya again, nin," Bill said.

"Sirs, leave us. Let the Dauterive darkness reverse you," Gilbert commanded to all except Bill.

"Now what's that supposed to mean?" Hank asked.

"I can show you my darkness," Gilbert replied.

"What if I don't wanna leave?" Dale asked, suspiciously.

"Sir, I will sacrifice you to darkness," Gilbert threatened.

Dale hopped the fence to his house and everyone else left.

Gilbert then stabbed Bill. "I sacrifice you. I will have your silence. Let the darkness leave my cousin. Let the darkness go down to darkness all alone."

Dale ran into Hank's house from watching from behind his fence. "Hank! Hank! Gilbert sacrificed Bill!"

"What the hell are you talkin about? Just, never mind, I don't even wanna know. I gotta take Bobbeh f***in," Hank replied, before getting in the truck with Bobby and leaving.

Gilbert watched the truck as it drove away. "I will sacrifice you to darkness."

_Later..._

"Now ya see Bobbeh, here we're safe from Obama's laws," Hank said to Bobby.

"Dad, why can't we just buy the fish from a store or something?" Bobby asked.

"You see, Bobbeh, I don't fish for the fish. Ninety percent of what I like about this sport, and it is a sport, is the fish."

_Meanwhile on Rainy Street_

Dale went to Hank's house.

Peggy opened the door. "Oh hi Dale. I have thought a lot about torturing people like you. Step inside for some torturing."

Dale turned around to run away, but Gilbert was standing right in front of him.

"Sir, I will sacrifice you to darkness," Gilbert said.

"I don't think so. I was after him first," Peggy argued. She then fought with Gilbert to the death.

Meanwhile Dale retreated to his basement and watched the fight from the window. "Oh my God, Peggy and Gilbert want to kill me, ye."

Suddenly, Dale heard a noise, he looked to see John Redcorn getting into the house through a window. "Dale, I didn't want you to find out this way."

"Joj Redcorn, nrorn. Get inside and start screwin my wife," Dale replied to John Redcorn.

Later on, Gilbert left town, Bill was resurrected from the dead after Boomhauer performed black magic to bring him back and Hank and Bobby returned from fishing. They all then stood in the alley and drank beer.

Bill went into his house and turned on the TV. Pawn Stars was on.

"I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my Old Mam, and my sus, Big Soss. I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my Rick Harrison, and my son, Rick Harrison."

Meanwhile, at the Hill house, a resurrected Cotton was watching music on television. He was watching the music video for Benzin by Rammstein. "I can't hear you!"

Hank then approached Peggy. "Peggy, it's not about killin Lady Gaga, it's about vidya games! Peggy, I'm gonna open a vidya game store."

Hank then walked into the sunset, going to open his vidya game store.

Meanwhile, Gilbert sacrificed almost everyone else in the Dauterive family.

Also meanwhile, Dale celebrates him not getting sacrificed.

Then in the process of time it came to pass, night came and everyone went to sleep, and that ended A Normal Day in Arlen.


	2. Chapter II: Hank Does, Well, Things

Hank looked at himself in the mirror, admiring his long, black hair. "You like my black hair. You women like my black hair. You find it romantic."

Meanwhile, Kahn sneaked inside and stole Hank's bridge.

Later that day, Hank realized it was gone and went to Kahn's house to confront him. "You stole my bridge!"

"I didn't steal anything!" Kahn argued.

"I cut off my black hair. You will face my black hair in your mouth, bitch. Or else!" Hank yelled.

After getting his bridge back and having Kahn face his black hair in his mouth, Hank went to a nearby store. He approached the cashier. "You're mah boy Charlie Hill."

"Hank Hill," he replied.

"Son, for you own good, you better call me dad."

"Hank Hill."

"Son, what did I tell ya? You better call me dad."

"No."

"Son, for your own good, you're getting the death penalty."

Hank then noticed someone breaking into his truck. "I have the authority to jam one of these Indian birds in your brain! Something the Indians forgot to do!" He said after grabbing the person breaking into his truck.

_Later in court._

"I hope they lock that thief up and throw away the key," Peggy said.

"That thief is mah boifreind," the woman next to her stated.

"Oh...I hope they kill that thief," Peggy replied.

"Ray Hill, since you like KKK so much, I'm sentencing you for the next ninety-three months to live in a bar," the judge said.

_The next day at the Hill house._

"I hate mah boy Ray Hill. I hate mah boy Jack Hill. I hate KKK," Hank said as he sat down at the kitchen table.

_Later that night._

Hank approached a man standing in an empty lot. "You're mah boy Arty Hill. Look, Arty, I know you didn't join the KKK. Look Arty, KKK are evil! Everyone knows that. Arty, I want you to take down the entire KKK army..."


	3. Chapter III: Bill's Odd Hunting Trip

One night, Bill Dauterive was hunting in the woods, when suddenly, someone appeared in front of him.

"Be kan jag du atta fragor?" the man asked.

"Yeah, sure," Bill replied.

"Ljuger ar du. Ja eller nej?" the man asked again.

"Nej," Bill answered.

"Ljuger ar du. Ja eller nej?" the man asked again.

"Ja, I guess," Bill answered again.

"Forsta du hur kan mig?" the man asked.

"I just read the subtitles," Bill answered.

"Knulla vill du mig till dig?" the man asked.

"Ja," Bill answered.

"Hatar du sjalv?" the man asked.

"Ja," Bill answered.

"Vill Die gor du till?" the man asked.

"Ja," Bill answered.

The man then disappeared and Bill hung himself, ending another normal day in Arlen.


	4. Chapter IV: Hank's Great Day of Death

"People before penis, I always say," the man working at the store said to Hank.

"Hm, well fuck you, friend. You're gay," Hank replied as he walked away with his newly-bought items. He then went back to the Hill house to see that a police officer was questioning Bobby.

"Sus-son, did you pay this bitch a visit tonight?" the officer asked, regarding the overly-religious woman.

"Yes..." Bobby answered.

"'The complacency of fools will destroy them.' - Proverbs," the overly-religious woman stated.

"'Fuck you.' - Exodus," Hank replied. "You wrecked mah boy, outlawed mah haunted trick-or-treating, and now ya wanna brainwash mah beer! Someone needs to do something, gnihtemomething." Hank grabbed Bobby and took him to the Shitterberg kid's house. "Rematch, now!"

"But what if I don't wa-" the Shitterberg kid was interrupted by Hank shooting him.

Hank then received a phone call. He answered it. "Hank Hill speaking."

"Hank, I'm in the middle of killin mahself," Bill said on the other end of the phone.

"Where are you, Bill?" Hank asked.

"In the woods."

"I'll be there in a minute, Bill." Hank hung up the phone and headed to the woods, where Bill claimed to be killing himself.

Bobby found Bill hanging from a tree. "Dad, come here! I found him!" he said, before shooting Bill.

"Bobby! Why did ya kill Bill?"

"I don't know...I just felt like it."

"Fuckin bitch!" Hank yelled to Bobby. "Alright, here's your punishment. I'm gonna kill you." Hank then proceeded to hang Bobby from another tree.

Later that day, Hank returned to Rainy Street to discover that Dale had killed Boomhauer.

"Hey Hank," Dale said.

"Goddammit, Dale! I'm kickin your ass!" Hank yelled before chasing Dale around the neighborhood. "Ya don't mess with Boomhauer!"

Dale managed to escape Hank. He hid in his basement for the rest of the day.

Hank went back into the house and sat down with Peggy. "Damn Dale killed damn Boomhauer."

"I can trap Dale in an abandoned prison pipe..." Peggy offered.

"Now that's too far!" Hank said, snapping Peggy's neck, killing her instantly.

_Meanwhile in heaven._

"Heaven," God said, sending Dusty the people's atheist to heaven.

"Hell," God said, sending Roseanne Barr to hell.

"Super heaven," God said, sending Billy Mays to super heaven.

"Heaven," God said, sending Bill Dauterive to heaven.

"Super he-"

"Wait!" Bobby said before his judgement.

"Oh, you know where you're going." God sent Bobby to super hell, ending another normal day in Alren.


	5. Chapter V: The Finale

Hank began writing on a sheet of paper.

_It is with deep...dick in yer ass._

_Sincerely, Hank Hill_

He then placed it inside the mailbox.

"Hank Hill, where all other redneck neighbors go? This place heaven without them. They stay gone?" Kahn asked.

"Kahn, let me tell ya somethin you can only learn from experience - fuck you," Hank replied. "And yes, they're staying away because almost all dead."

"How they die?"

"Like this." Hank stabbed Kahn, snapped his neck and shot him, killing him. "I need to get Bill and Boomhauer back. Maybe I can use the book of black magic that Boomhauer had. I just gotta get Dale to help me find it."

Dale opened the door to Hank's knocking. He then screamed and attempted to run away before Hank grabbed him.

"Look, Dale, just help me get into Boomhauer's house so I can use the...black magic and such, to revive everybody and I won't kick yer ass!"

"Uh, okay..." Dale and Hank then managed to break into Boomhauer's house and steal the book of black magic.

Hank then shot Dale, killing him. "Heheheh, dumbass."

Later that day, Hank had revived Bill and Boomhauer, and they all stood in the alley and drank beer.

"Hey Hank, you want a thousand dollars?" Bill asked.

"Bill, what I want is a fine mist of propane," Hank replied. "You got that in yer cooler, Bill?"

"Yeah."

Hank then opened Bill's cooler and a fine mist of propane was spraying on him.

"Hey man I tell ya what man..." Boomhauer said as he lit his lighter and placed it near Hank, causing him to explode, ending the final normal day in Arlen.


End file.
